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Dear A...

What an incredible, crazy last two months.

It’s been a month since you died. You know, sometimes I still can’t believe you died. It’s not something that feels real. But yes, you have gone away. You died. Fuck. I hate that word. A word that belongs to life, that also severs life… I have thought a hundred thousand thoughts about you and I have asked a hundred thousand questions and a hundred thousand times of ifs and what ifs and if onlys but this is it. This is it. This is life. You are gone. You were here but now you are gone.

While you were here though you made this world a much more interesting place. Your presence in this world was a plus. A big plus. Your energy was a tangible thing that moved and opened hearts and your life, so short, touched so many others. We might never understand the mystery of it all but if there is one thing that is clear, it is that everything we do ripples out into the world and changes it. There is some kind of energy exchange that is going on in this world that cannot be understood with our tiny human brains. But on a soul level we see it. We understand it. Without language of any kind, we form an understanding that has no form. But it exists, this understanding.

I wanted to write also because I think it’s important that I record these thoughts. I don’t want the days to pass and the thoughts to pass away with them. Thoughts, when recorded, form history. My personal history. This written history helps me to remember because our memories are so fragile and so unreliable. So writing must become a habit. Although it’s so hard to form this habit. But it’s a great habit to have. Really.

Rebecca TohComment